I haven't written openly or in great detail about losing my Momma and I don't write now to receive attention or sympathy. I write because of my desire to help others who have lost. When you love someone with ALL of your heart and you've lost this person, you are vulnerable. You had security and a safe place with this person and most of all, loving a person with ALL of your heart who received this kind of love back without question is rare. Once this person is gone, a void is present and life takes on a different meaning. My Momma was just that...she was "my person"...my Mom...not my Best Friend,(we had a thing about NOT calling each other "best friends" lol) but she was simply my Mom. She gave love and received love and returned it back to people and to the world in an endless cycle still circulating today. I respected her and honored her and I knew she loved me up to the moon and back! To this day she is more present in my life than ever and my time of reflection comes and goes without warning.
December 1, 2008 my world stopped when I lost my Mom. It's been 7 years (now 10) and when you love someone to your core, time seems to lose its way after a death. Looking back, right after her passing was like seeing squiggly lines moving without end in an uncontrolled pattern of craziness. I didn't understand how the world could continue to go on. When time completely stops in your own world, it's hard to fathom why it continues ticking with no pause. I thought, "The clock should just freeze in this moment and yet it doesn't!"
To those of you who have lost loved ones you care so much about... you know this loss I speak of. It's a pain like no other...virtually indescribable. Children shouldn't lose their parents and parents shouldn't lose their children and we shouldn't lose people we love so much, yet it happens every second of every day. And, we continue moving forward by choice. Some stay stuck in an unhealthy place of pain and some find that new normal allowing us to continue living with purpose. We don't forget the love and memories made, but moving onward is what our loved ones would want. I will see my Mom again in Heaven and I hold on to that hope by having Christ live in my heart.
This time of year during the Holidays used to be incredibly difficult and with each year that passes, I've learned to reflect and soak up the goodness! My Mom was an amazing cook and her Thanksgivings were legendary. (enough food for an army) Our home was filled with beautiful Christmas decorations and Christmas Eve was a time spent with special friends, relatives and neighbors who visited and munched on her traditional goodies and punch. It wasn't the gifts we unwrapped on Christmas morning that I remember most, it was the time she spent with us her whole life that I remember the most. She gave us gift after gift with her presence, her love, her laughter, her hugs, her smiles, her encouragement and words of endless wisdom and those are the things I remember most.
There are other favorite memories like: Drinking sweet tea out of a mason jar, eating peanut butter crackers in the sunshine while sitting in the cool grass, spitting watermelon seeds, walking on our paths through the woods while the leaves crunched under our feet, making homemade ice cream, laying in the field on a blanket late at night searching for shooting stars, smelling the popcorn popping on the stove top, piling in the car and going to the drive-in movie and going camping in a neighbors field hoping not to get shot! :-) I loved feeling her brush and braid my hair and watching her pick out a beautiful ribbon to finish off her handy work. I loved watching her build a fire in the fireplace or when she built a fire a the bus stop so we would stay warm while we waited. I loved the orange metallic lipstick she wore, the Birkenstocks on her feet and the taste of double-mint gum every Sunday in Church. I loved how she listened, her non-sugar coated responses and the depth of her hugs. And coffee always tasted better at her house! But, my favorite memory was her holding me until the hurt went away. These are some of my favorite things I remember.
When the death of a parent whom you loved so much grabs you in the gut whether expected or not...your life changes forever! You don't sweat the small stuff as much, you love more deeply, you don't take things for granted, you are even more thankful, you want everyone to experience the same love that you had, you want to cherish each moment as if it may be your last. You want to hug longer, laugh more, take lots of photographs (I drive my family crazy lol), speak words containing emotions, cry during movies, gaze at the stars in awe, smell the scents of the holidays and savor the tastes of the seasons with meaning and just stop every now and again and reflect. You want to live life with a positive outlook and purpose and help those see the glass half full instead of half empty and just sit and breathe!
I still find myself reaching for the phone because I want to call her and talk. I want her to know all the incredible things about the kids and let her know that my husband loves me, or tell her something funny my brother Rod said. I want her to know that I have an amazing Mother and Father-in-law or the sunset was beautiful or it's snowing. Somehow, I think she knows.
My Momma had Lupus and COPD and battled this for a long timed she spent the last 2 and a half weeks of her life in the hospital...but her death certificate read "Heart Failure." My Momma's heart did not fail...it excelled and her heart continues to love today. She was a survivor of an abusive marriage, she was a strong Hefner woman who didn't take her life lightly, she showed affection, cooked southern food, prayed out loud, wore overalls, drank lots of coffee with cream, sat in the sand, worked in the dirt, spoke her mind, got mad when she needed to and loved us ALWAYS through everything no matter how hard life was at the moment! I love you Momma and I always will and although I could write forever, I will end tonight by saying Thank You for loving with ALL of your heart and never putting a snuffer over your flame that shined so bright! Much love y'all! There is beauty from ashes! Make good and beautiful memories that will last forever and remember Philippians 4:13. Through Christ ALL things are possible...<3Jodi
